We have all had to sit and have some uncomfortable and difficult conversations in our lifetime. Have you ever looked back on a conversation you had and reflected on how it could have been handled better or thought about why you didn’t achieve the outcome you had hoped? Did it happen to turn angry, or did you feel like you weren’t truly heard or understood? Did the period leading up to the conversation cause you anxiety? Well, there is a reason for that!
A study was done in 2021 titled, “Interpersonal Agreement and Disagreement During Face-to-Face Dialogue: An fNIRS Investigation” which delved into the science of disagreements and the reaction our brains have to confrontation. In a breakdown article of the study published in Psychology Today, Professor Hirsch, the Neuroscience Director of the Brain Function Laboratory at the Yale School of Medicine, explained that “in disagreement, the brain was much more active generally. As if one was planning strategies of responses—forming a rebuttal essentially.” In other words, we tend to find disagreements mentally draining since they put our brains into overdrive.
Oftentimes, people try to avoid these difficult conversations altogether because they are far too uncomfortable to even broach the topic. While we understand that these situations can feel tense, there are ways to minimize the awkwardness and mental stress to help promote the positive outcome you are looking to accomplish.
Positive Mindset
A positive mindset going into the conversation is essential. Anticipating a negative response or reaction can lead to a defensive start to the conversation and can impact the mood before you even begin. Thinking positively beforehand will prepare you for a productive and healthy conversation. Whatever the purpose of the chat, try framing it in a positive light. For example, if you are giving an employee feedback, position it as constructive ways to develop skills or opportunities to improve and progress in the company. Even difficult conversations have some room for a positive perspective. Remain calm, breathe and anticipate the outcome you are hoping to achieve!
Preparation
One of the most important things you can do to make a difficult conversation easier for both parties, is to prepare. This doesn’t mean writing out a speech of exactly what needs to be said, rather that you know the points you want to make and can do so eloquently and in a way that does not diminish the viewpoint or perspective of the other person. Make sure to identify the situation, know what purpose you are looking to achieve through the conversation, and consider the best time, place and setting for having the discussion in an environment that works well for everyone.
Acknowledge others perspective
Be open-minded! Coming into any discussion with the mentality that you are the only person who is right, is going to automatically lead to a poor response from the other person. Explain yourself and the points you want to get across, but also make sure to listen and be receptive to the response. A conversation is, after all, between two people and listening is required for both sides.
We tend to shy away from disagreements, conflict and arguments because we anticipate an awkward and anxiety-inducing situation. However, with the right attitude, some planning and an open mind, we can have thoughtful and useful conversations that lead to a healthy, happy outcome for those involved.
